Rules of Panic (Buying)


The “Coronavius” (COVID-19) has arrived into Seattle. Last weekend I went to Costco to buy some stuff and was shocked to see the amount of panic buying people were doing. Costco was out of toilet paper! And tofu! (What do toilet paper and tofu have to do with a respiratory illness?)

Anyway, that inspired me to write this:

Rules of Panic (Buying)

When you panic,

Buy all the hand sanitizer you can get your hands on.
NPR said, you should use hand sanitizer.
You don’t even wash your hands
When you use the bathroom.
But it helps to know
You’re prepared.

Buy tons of face masks.
You don’t want to be the odd one
When everyone is wearing one.
Even though experts say,
They aren’t very effective
At stopping the virus.

Buy reams of toilet paper.
I don’t really know.
It’s actually a respiratory illness.
But, I guess, when you panic,
You’ll need toilet paper!
Lots of toilet paper.

Buy lots of tofu.
You have no idea why.
You don’t even like tofu.
But when no one has any tofu
You’ll feel better knowing
That you have some.

Buy boatloads of water.
Everyone else is buying water.
Crates and crates of bottled water.
And you don’t want to look silly
At the checkout counter
When you don’t have any.

Buy buy buy.
Buy what he has.
Buy what she has.
Buy what they have.
That’s what we do,
When we panic.