A Note to the Cold / Flu Virus

I am totally in awe of your passion and tenacity. I actually wish I had those qualities in me. On the other hand, I think your strategy clearly needs a major shake-up.

I mean, if you’re going to attack some part of my body, are my head, nose, and throat really the best places? Think about it. I have huge stores of fat in my stomach that I would love to donate to you. Willingly, eagerly, gratefully. Just take what you want. In fact, take everything! Gorge yourself and multiply and spread and conquer, like evolution wants you to!

In fact, if you changed your domain of operations like that, I won’t just thank you, I will happily spread you to my friends. And they will welcome it! I will become the most desirable guest at their parties! Everyone will be like, “We know you are busy with having to attend 9 parties this evening, but can you just show up for 15 minutes to my party? Everyone really wants to shake your hands and hug and kiss you and share their drink with you.”

This could be a real win-win for both of us.

Let me tell you a little secret. You know, unlike you, we humans aren’t really that great at being tenacious. We give up real easily. But where we have you guys beat is in our strategic thinking ability.

You guys have the numbers, the tenacity, the ability to evolve quickly and survive under all kinds of harsh conditions. You can survive even in the cold darkness of space. You can spread around the universe without the need of a spaceship. A meteorite could hit the planet, some splinters of it could escape back into space, taking a few of you along for a ride. That splinter could travel for millions of light years and then land on some other planet, and the party would begin again for you as if nothing happened. (Except, note that without us at this party, there will be no hugging, no kissing going on there. Who wants to go to such a party?)

Anyway, my point is that we can’t do any of those things that you can do. But our strategic thinking ability saves us every time.

Imagine if we were in the same situation as you. Say we were to suddenly discover that Mars, underneath a few feet of rock, is all just high-grade petroleum. It’s bulging the planet up at its center, with all that the fat sloshing around under its skin. How long would it take for us to completely give up all our efforts to look for stupid water on its surface and go directly for the oil underneath? Within a year, there will be a traffic jam of spaceships heading for it! We will liposuck all that fat and burn it all up in no time. When are you guys going to learn to be strategic like us?

As I said, if it wasn’t for our strategic thinking, you guys would be the real masters of this universe. We would be mere entertainment.

So take it from us, and change your strategy. You don’t even need to thank us. We will thank you instead!

(A side note to geneticists all over the world: I’d suggest you drop whatever you are working on, and work on modifying the flu virus in the manner suggested here. You will not just become rich beyond your imagination, you will become the first truly “most desirable guest” ever. Think about all those hugs and kisses that are just waiting for you!)