Troller Trash

So you wake up in the morning and your BP is too low. Like in the 140/85 range, which, don’t let doctors fool you, is low for today’s (socially) active middle-aged person. Hypertension is absolutely a prerequisite for participating fully in today’s hyperconnected world. Only vegetables and old people without access to social media have BP numbers lower than that!

Anyway, let’s get back to the morning with your lamer than socially acceptable numbers. What do you do feel well again? Well, I have a tried-and-tested remedy for you: Just turn on your mobile device, and read only the headline and the Top Comments on any news item. Skip the middle entirely, it’s really there only to make the news item take up more space so they can insert ads in the middle.

I once read that stuff in the middle. It was hard. Big words and long sentences and stuff! My head spun so hard! I mean it was spinning already because I had already read the headline and the top comments, but then it started spinning in the opposite direction! Don’t do it, ok? Just read the headline and the top comments. That’s what this internet doctor recommends.

Two of those in the morning and your BP will be back up into the much more socially desirable 200/100 range in no time. You will start feeling your heart beating inside your head again, the color will return to your eyes, and that frown that makes you look like your favorite hero, The Irritable Hulk, will return to your forehead. In no time, you will be your normal typing-in-capital-letters social animal again!

Such a simple and effective remedy! In fact, after I discovered it, I felt so overcome with gratitude for the people who provide this much needed medical service to us, that I have coined a new phrase (and, of course, hashtag, you can’t really call yourself social if you don’t use hashtags) to honor them:

Troller Trash (#trollertrash): People (of any color, ethnicity, nationality, or political persuasion) who make a living trolling on the internet. And by “making a living” I mean more than just in the economic sense – since one needs both money and a purpose to live, and it looks like trolling provides one or the other or both to (apparently) a rather alarmingly large number of people.

So there you have it. I guess it’s time for both you and me to get back to the troller park…